in between worlds

A recent email from a good friend described perfectly what I’m feeling right now:

“I hope that your transition back to normal life is going good. It is funny that I said “normal” life. I guess the question is, what is normal? Maybe normal is what most of the world lives, which is like what you have just come from. And the way we live, is the abnormal way of living.

I wonder if you are in the place of inbetweeness, like in the first Narnia book. I.e. in the magicians nephew when they are in the wood inbetween the worlds. They have just come from one pool and are about to jump into another. They are in this world of feeling like they are still in the previous world, and not quite fully in the next one. Maybe you are in a similar place.”

But even in this inbetweeness (yes I’m a certified English teacher and I will continue to use this non-word!) I feel like I’m being quickly sucked into this vacuum, sucked into the pool of expectations, demands, and responsibilities. Life continues to move forward and doesn’t wait for me to be fully processed and ready to move forward.

The question I’m asking myself a lot right now: How do I live more according to what my heart is telling me to do? How do I listen more for the still small voice? Rather than all the other hollering noises, sounds, voices and songs that tend to crowd it out. In a way it’s easier to just go along with the noise of demands. If I stop to be still…I’m forced to face myself and God, my desires, my hopes…and the fears of those desires and hopes being left unmet. But even knowing what my desires are is a scary thing. I have a hard time knowing my own heart. I fear choosing the wrong thing and therefore missing out on something else.

Maybe that’s the problem of inbetweeness. I know too much. Have too many worlds that I’ve come to know and love. My roots are in Iowa. My growing up in Colorado. My becoming an adult and forging a new way of life is in Amsterdam. My 30 little new nieces and nephews are in Kenya…

There is always somewhere else I’d also like to be. Not rather, just also. Can’t I just clone myself into 4 people and experience it all?!

I just got a letter from the Immigration office today, that states that my visa has been renewed for another year in the Netherlands. When I first started reading it, I was trying to have a conversation over the phone and decipher the letter at the same time. Not smart! I was starting to see words in Dutch that looked like “rejection!” I had to stop myself and focus on the conversation at hand. But I couldn’t help but let my mind wander to thoughts like…“What if my visa isn’t renewed? What would I do? Where would I go? Am I ready to leave Holland yet?…” When will I know it’s time to leave? Will that time ever come?

Sigh…the woes of being an immigrant. Life is never stable or secure.

But yeah. The point is, if I don’t stop and be still, I stop enjoying the ride. I can only take each day, one day at a time. And enjoy my time here in Amsterdam for as long as it lasts. Even if I miss my little friends in Kenya…and the presence of my mom and dad and wacky brothers and sister-in-law in Colorado…and my other friends scattered across the world (yes that means you: Claire! Steph! Ross! Sam! Lesley! Katy! …the list goes on.) Even when it’s raining, the journey is still full of  joy.